you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
