I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
