nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
