I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
