i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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