i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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