No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
