wrigley field is MILF paradise
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm both gender and math confused
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
