your parents love me but you hate me
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
