My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
