took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
