You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
