I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
two words: eviction party
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize