Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
