Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
