so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
