I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
