i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
