sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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