The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
