There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize