dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
