Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
