Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
