i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
