i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
