Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
