Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
