I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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