Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He shit in the fireplace
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
