I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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