opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
