her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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