Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
