I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
