just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
