Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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