We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
