Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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