Your mouth is God's brothel.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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