Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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