I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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