After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
