If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
