Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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