i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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