He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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