I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
