Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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