i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
