So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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