i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
