so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
