I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could teleport
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
