Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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