i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
