What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
