I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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