And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
