Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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