Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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